Men of HGTV

I go through phases in my TV watching. I've been through a House phase, an NCIS phase, a Law & Order: SVU phase... Basically I watch something until I'm so sick of it that I can hardly stand to watch it anymore and/or I've seen all the episodes. Three times each. Right now I'm in my HGTV phase, namely my Income Property and Holmes and Homes phase. I can't get enough.

I've always had a penchant for the quiet, computer-nerd types, but HGTV has started me thinking that maybe I shouldn't be so quick to discount the construction/contractor types. I mean, no, they don't earn their living by typing on a computer and attending pointless meetings all day long, but dang it, they can build and fix things. They handle power tools and haul stuff around with their big muscles. And I'm ready to open-mouth kiss just about anybody whose philosophy is to do something right the first time and make it perfect. Especially Scott McGillivray.


Jack. Pot. The teeth! The pecs! THE HAIR. That hair could bring about world peace. Quick aside: I may or may not have been watching his show Income Property a couple of weeks ago and involuntarily yelled "DAMN IT!" at the top of my lungs when I saw a wedding ring on his finger. Quadruple disappointed sigh.

The other man of HGTV I've been watching is Mike Holmes. I'm so conflicted about him, I can't even tell you. On the one hand he's this really nice guy who is unflinchingly staunch in his construction standards and he has an eye for detail that makes me swoon all day long. But what's up with the wife beaters? I mean, yeah, they show the muscles, which is fawesome, but they also show the ARMPIT HAIR, which is not. And he only ever wears overalls. Seriously, overalls? I can appreciate that tool belts might make your pants fall down, and nobody likes a plumber's crack, but when I think of overalls I envision My Buddy dolls and preschool-aged children. Still, he gets to working and getting all huggy and nice with his clients and I start suggesting that he take off those stupid overalls so we can get to know each other better.

My parents totally ruined Mike Holmes for me by saying that he looks just like this seriously gross guy who used to live in our neighborhood. I was absolutely horrified that they would even think there was a resemblance, but now whenever I look at Mike Holmes all I can think of is our old neighbor. Not sexy at all. Mike does NOT look like the neighbor, but he does look like a ripped version of a guy I was friends with in high school. He had that same low brow and broody look to him. That's a much better association. Trust me.

Stanley Hudson

I've been playing a lot of Mike Tyson's Punch Out on NES recently. I started cracking up the other day because I looked at Doc Louis (Little Mac's trainer) and realized that he looks exactly like Stanley Hudson from The Office. Seriously! Check it out if you don't believe me.



Seeing as it's already on TotallyLooksLike.com, I'm obviously not the only one who thinks so.

Gee, I don't know why I'm fat...

I skipped lunch the other day. I had had a late breakfast and when lunchtime rolled around I just wasn't hungry. By 4:00 I figured I might as well just hold out until dinnertime, which I did. I ate a Totino's pizza around 5:30 or 6:00. Quick tangent: holy poop I love Totino's pizzas. I don't care if it's gauche, those babies are freaking delish. Do I eat the whole thing? You betcha. I ain't sharing my Totino's. It's not like it's a biggole Freschetta. (Shameful aside: I was fstarving a couple of weeks ago and I totally ate an entire Freschetta pizza all by myself within the space of two hours.) But anyway...

So I ate the Totino's pizza and realized I needed to go to the store because I was going to be getting together with my sister tonight and I wanted to get a brownie mix for us.. So off to the store I went. I won't bore you with the details of my shopping because it was a typical trip to WalMart--crying children, long lines, the usual. As I was unloading my cart onto the conveyor belt I started to chuckle at myself because, Totino's dinner be damned, I had apparently still been hungry when I went to the store. Aside from some sandwich meat and four bananas, the rest of my food purchases were basically just junk. "Way to debunk the fat-girl stereotype," I thought to myself. But I can totally justify what I bought! I can!

Hershey Kisses: I don't even eat them. I keep them on hand so my mom can have a little treat when she comes to my house.
Brownie mix: Hello, it's what I went to the store for. Besides, my sister was going to help me eat them.
Cheez-Its: My primary kids love them and I needed something to eat with my sandwich at lunch. Totally justified.
Cutie pies: Have you seen these things? They're like miniature Hostess fruit pies and you get six for about $1.75! And they're small so you can eat two. Ahem.
Robin's eggs (Easter candy): They're seasonal. There's no guilt allowed for buying seasonal candy because you can only get it three months out of the year.
Reese's Pieces eggs (Easter candy): Okay, see above. Also, I love those things and I would have been really sad if I hadn't gotten to eat least a few this year. Plus, I had been planning on buying them so that makes them a valid grocery.

Seriously, you guys, I flove Easter candy. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I literally gained five pounds last spring because of Easter candy. It's my all-time favorite candy. The rest of the year I really don't eat that much candy; I'm more of a baked goods and fast-food kinda girl. But when Easter candy shows up on the store shelves I just can't resist its pastel deliciousness. My favorites are Brach's jelly bird eggs. I ate two bags of them about a month ago and kind of wore myself out on them. But I'll be ready for them next year. Oh yes, I will be ready.

Sarah Jessica Parker

I'm sure that Sarah Jessica Parker is a sweet, lovely person. She's probably very nice to common little people like you and me, and you can't deny that she's got great hair and a slammin' body. I know a lot of people gush over her fashion sense as well, but since I care precisely not at all about fashion, I'm going to go ahead and remain neutral on that point. But sweet spirit and hot body aside, I'm sorry to say that Sarah Jessica Parker is a butter face. BUT-TER FACE.

My first instinct when looking upon the SJP is to whinny. She's got a biggole horse face with teeth to match: big, bucky, and curved convexly. I can't help but think she must be a prize-winning apple eater. Her nose is unbelievably long, which I guess makes sense if it's going to be in proportion to her face. But when you pair it with the mole on her pointy chin, I want to slap all these people who laud her great beauty and remind them that long, hooked noses and chin moles are characteristics traditionally associated with witches. Had the SJP been alive during the middle ages, I think she'd have had a terrible time outwitting wily, overzealous villagers trying to fool her into climbing up on wood piles or inviting her to dinner as an easy way to get her to voluntarily sit in a dunking chair. God bless her, she wouldn't last the week.

Now, I know all this sounds cold-hearted and judgmental, and it is. Heaven knows I'm no great beauty and I'm not going to be winning any modeling contracts in this lifetime. But I believe in calling a spade a spade. Let's appreciate the SJP for what she is and not try to delude ourselves or others into thinking she's a great beauty because she's not; she's thin with a perky bosom and awesome hair.

Back

Holy poop, has it seriously been more than a month since I last posted? My goodness. Well, I can explain. It's not a good excuse (most aren't), but it's an excuse nonetheless.

I got really busy with work. Like, working twelve hours a day busy. After I spend that amount of time at the computer I don't really feel like spending more time there, you know? Then once things slowed down, I needed a freaking rest, so I didn't blog. During this time I was also wicked sick for two weeks with the added bonus of having my depression flare up. If you've ever thought to yourself, "Gosh, I'd love to sit on the couch and mouth breathe for a few weeks with no motivation to do anything at all," unmedicated depression is for you. Personally it's not my cup of tea, but it's all I've got to keep me company (besides all the pets).

Speaking of pets, some quick updates before we get back to our regularly scheduled program:

Chauncy's eggs did NOT hatch. She eventually quit sitting on them and, despite my best efforts, they all died. They are now sitting in the bottom of a 20 oz Diet Coke bottle in the bottom of my garbage can. They died about three weeks ago, but since I only produce about one bag of garbage a week, I only need to put the garbage out about once every six weeks or so. They'll probably still be there next week too.

In order to avoid any other unplanned/unwanted eggnancies, my sister graciously agreed to take Olive (my male cockatiel) and make him her bird baby. Now he lives at her house and bites a lot. What can I say? The egg fiasco weighed heavily on all of us.

Current pet count: three dogs, two birds, six fish. Holding steady there.